Assertiveness | principles, rights, why is it necessary

Principles

The principles of assertiveness are a set of cognitive and ethical attitudes that recognize an individual's right to free self-expression and the protection of their interests, provided there is full recognition of the same rights for others.

In simple terms: it is a person's "internal constitution" that defines how they interact with the world to remain in harmony with themselves and those around them. Below are the core principles:

1. Responsibility, Sovereignty. A person acknowledges that only they are responsible for their feelings, decisions, and behavior. They do not blame others for their bad mood and do not allow others to dictate what they "should" feel.
2. Self-respect and respect for others. This principle is often described by the formula "I'm Okay, You're Okay." A person has the right to make a mistake, to have their own opinion, and to say "no." Your interlocutor has exactly the same rights.
3. Honesty, directness, and non-blaming. Instead of manipulation or hints, an assertive person speaks directly about their needs. Example: Instead of "You’re late again, you don't care about anyone!" (aggression), an assertive person will say: "I get frustrated when I have to wait because my time is limited."

Rights

There is a so-called "Assertive Bill of Rights," formulated by psychologist Manuel J. Smith in his book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" (1975). It consists of 10 core points.

1. I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon myself. (A person is their own ultimate judge, rather than the opinion of a neighbor or a colleague).
2. I have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior. (If a person doesn't want to visit someone, the phrase "I don't want to" is enough. They don't need a list of "valid" reasons or excuses).
3. I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. (A person is not obligated to "save" everyone around them if they lack the resources to do so).
4. I have the right to change my mind. (This is not "inconsistency"; it is growth and adaptation to new facts).
5. I have the right to make mistakes — and be responsible for them. (Mistakes are a part of life, not a reason for lifelong penance).
6. I have the right to say, "I don't know." (A person is not an encyclopedia, and admitting ignorance is a sign of confidence, not stupidity).
7. I have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them. (A person doesn't have to be liked by everyone. If someone is offended by your personal boundaries, that is their choice).
8. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. (A person can act "just because they want to" without building a mathematical model of justification, provided they don't break the law).
9. I have the right to say, "I don't understand." (A person is not obligated to guess hints or "read the minds" of others).
10. I have the right to say, "I don't care." (A person is not obligated to get involved in all the world's problems or office gossip).

Important: All these rights are not a law; they are a person's internal rules, and others are not obligated to follow them.

It is also crucial not to confuse these rights with selfishness. The key to assertiveness is symmetry: if I have the right to say "no" without explanation, then my interlocutor has the very same right. And I must respect that.

Why is it necessary?

Assertiveness is needed, first and foremost, to save vital energy. Without it, a person either wastes energy trying to adapt to others (passivity, internal resentment) or fighting everyone (aggressiveness, external burnout).

6 important reasons why assertiveness is necessary:

1. Preserving mental health. When a person doesn't know how to say "no," they accumulate stress and resentment. This is a direct path to psychosomatic issues, insomnia, and depression. Assertiveness acts as a "safety fuse": the person sets boundaries in time, preventing the pressure from skyrocketing.
2. Protection against manipulation. Assertiveness is a powerful tool against manipulators. When a person responds assertively, manipulative communication methods are minimized. The person says: "Do I understand you correctly that you want this or that? I don't want that." In this way, they become uninteresting to manipulators.
3. Honest and strong relationships. Passive people often resort to passive aggression (sullen silence, sarcasm, "forgetting" requests). This poisons relationships. An assertive person speaks directly: "I feel uncomfortable when you do that." This allows the problem to be solved rather than letting the poison build up for years.
4. Career growth without office politics. At work, assertiveness allows you to make a reasoned case for a salary increase, delegate tasks instead of carrying everything yourself, and earn the respect of colleagues (confident people are listened to more closely than those who are constantly apologizing).
5. Increased self-esteem. Every time a person defends their interests politely and firmly, their "inner voice" says: "Wow, it turns out I am worth something!" This creates a foundation of confidence that doesn't depend on the praise of others.
6. Saving time. Instead of coming up with a "polite reason" why they don't want to go to a party, a person simply declines. And this frees up time for what truly matters to them.

The Price and Consequences

Assertiveness is not a magic wand, and it has its own "downsides." Sometimes, being honest and firm is simply more costly and riskier than staying silent.

The risk of ruining relationships with manipulators. If a person's loved ones or friends are used to them always being "convenient," their sudden "voice" will infuriate them. They will be called selfish, callous, or told they have "changed for the worse." You might ask, "Why would I want relationships with manipulators anyway?"—but the truth is, anyone can turn out to be a manipulator, even those closest to you.

Energy Expenditure. Being assertive at the start of the journey is hard work. You need to control your tone, choose your words carefully, and cope with an internal sense of guilt. It is often easier to either shout or just agree. As a result, a person may sometimes snap or lose their cool.

Loneliness (temporary). When a person begins to set boundaries, "parasite-like" people—who were only around because they were allowed to exploit them—may fall away from their life.

The price of refusal directly depends on who is in front of the person and how much power they hold over them.

In personal relationships: The price is the resentment of a loved one. But if you don't refuse, the price is your lost identity and burnout.

In business and at work: The price is lost profit or client dissatisfaction. If you don't say no, the price is overtime work, enduring rude behavior, etc.

In a toxic environment: The price is aggression directed at you. If you don't say no, the price is humiliation and cognitive dissonance (conflicting thoughts).

Assertiveness is not an obligation to always say "no." It is the right to choose. Sometimes, a person consciously chooses to agree, understanding that the price of refusal is too high.

In this way, assertiveness teaches a person individuality (which most people fear), independence, and saves their nerves.

The greatest price of assertiveness is responsibility. A person can no longer blame others for their troubles, because they are now the one deciding where to say "yes" and where to say "no."

There are situations where a direct refusal ("No, I won't do that") is equivalent to being fired or losing a certain resource. In such cases, assertiveness turns into negotiation.

The "Yes, but..." technique (Bargaining): Instead of "No, I won't take on this project," a person says: "I can work on Saturday, but I will need Monday off to recover."

The person does not refuse, but instead sets their own conditions. This is the position of an adult, not that of a subordinate-child.

Monopoly vs. Assertiveness

When a person faces the state machine, laws, a monopolist, or a situation where they do not dictate the rules (and there are no alternatives), assertiveness shifts its focus.

An assertive person does not bang their head against a wall demanding the impossible. They say: "Okay, these are the current conditions, and I cannot change them" (Recognition of reality).

An assertive person does not waste their nerves on shouting (aggression) and does not fall into depression (passivity). Instead, they look for alternatives within the rules or find a way to meet the requirements with the least personal cost (damage minimization).

An assertive person may agree to the monopolist's rules while still stating their position: "I do not agree with this rate, but I accept it because I have no choice. However, I will file my grievance in writing" (Preserving dignity).

Assertiveness is not a mask. It is a tool.

If someone points a gun at a person in a dark alley, assertiveness ("I have the right not to give you my wallet") is pure stupidity. In this case, either fleeing or using cunning to save one's life is more appropriate.

Supportive Techniques

When a person is backed into a corner and runs out of arguments, the following methods come to the rescue.

The "Broken Record" Technique. This is the best way to deal with persistent people who refuse to hear "no." A person calmly, without aggression, repeats the same phrase over and over, without engaging in discussion or coming up with new excuses.

Example: — Buy these miracle vitamins!
— Thank you, I’m not interested.
— But they’re on sale, today only!
— I understand, but I’m not interested.
— You just don’t see how much you’d benefit!
— Perhaps, but I’m not interested.

The interlocutor eventually gets tired of this "record," of hitting this wall, and they back off.

The "Fogging" Technique (Psychological Aikido) is used against criticism or attempts to provoke you.

Example: — You look terrible in that shirt! — I can see why you might not like it.

The "I-statement" Technique. This is the foundation of assertive communication, helping to express dissatisfaction without attacking the person.

The formula: Event + Feelings + Consequences + Request.

Example: "When you are 20 minutes late for the meeting (event), I feel frustrated (feelings) because my time is limited (consequences). Please try to arrive on time or let me know in advance (request)."

This technique is called an "I-statement" for a reason. A person speaks about themselves using the word "I," rather than about the opponent using the word "you." This does not trigger irritation, defensiveness, or a counter-attack from the opponent.

"You-statement": "You are always late and showing me disrespect!" (This is an attack; the person will naturally start to defend themselves). And that is bad.

It is important to understand: I-statements and assertiveness are closely interconnected, but they are two separate techniques. Assertiveness may not necessarily follow the aforementioned formula of I-statements.

I-statements are more commonly used with loved ones and people close to you, while assertiveness is applied to everyone else.

Body Language. If a person says "no" but slumps, avoids eye contact, and fidgets with their clothes, they won't be believed. The body must "broadcast" confidence.

Eye contact: direct, but not staring or aggressive. Voice: Even and calm, without apologizing intonations at the end of a sentence. Posture: A straight back and relaxed shoulders.

Important: Assertiveness does not guarantee that a person will get what they want. It is not a method of manipulation.

A person can assertively ask for a raise, and their boss can assertively refuse them (because they don't have the budget).

The goal of assertiveness is not to defeat the other person, but to preserve one's own dignity and clarity in relationships. A person knows that they did everything they could and did not betray themselves.

Practice

Practice starts with the small things; trying to set boundaries with a toxic person or a harsh boss tomorrow might be a bit too difficult. Besides, you might accidentally say something you didn't intend to.

You can refuse a plastic bag at the checkout (if you don't need it) while looking the cashier in the eye. Again, not with angry eyes, but calmly.

Tell the waiter that you like the table by the window better than the one where you were seated.

Reading this article, a person might feel that it’s too complicated and that there are too many things to consider. Let me tell you from my personal experience: it’s not hard. Once a person tries it, they will grasp the essence, and everything will become very easy.

Nuances

Assertiveness is usually taught as a set of phrases for defending oneself against rude people. However, there is a layer of uncomfortable and down-to-earth nuances.

When a person becomes assertive, their social circle may begin to thin out.

People who are used to "riding" on a person's back won't say, "Oh, it's so cool how you've set your boundaries!" Instead, they will say: "You’ve become a difficult person," "It's impossible to reach an agreement with you," or "You’ve become full of yourself."

The bitter truth: A person may lose friends who were actually just co-users of their resources in exchange for their own.

The "Assertive Aggression" Trap. A person might confuse assertiveness with legalized rudeness. That’s when they start saying things like: "I have the right not to explain myself!" or "It's your problem that you’re offended!"

True assertiveness includes empathy. If a person tells the truth to someone's face just to humiliate them—that is aggression.

If a person says "no" while enjoying their power — that is manipulation. People can sense this on an intuitive level.

Assertiveness without respect for the other person turns into tyranny.

The right to be "non-assertive". A person has the right to be weak, passive, or to remain silent.

Sometimes assertiveness is simply too energy-consuming. If a person has had a tough day and doesn't have the strength to argue with a rude taxi driver, they might just stay silent. This doesn't mean they "lost."

An assertive person is in control of their behavior. If they decide to remain silent to save energy, it is a conscious choice, not a result of fear.

A Conflict of Assertiveness. What happens when two assertive people with opposing interests meet?

A person needs a vacation in July, and their colleague (who is just as assertive) also needs a vacation in July. Neither gives in; both stand their ground with sound arguments.

In this case, assertiveness moves into the stage of tough negotiations. Assertiveness does not guarantee a compromise. Sometimes it leads to a stalemate (an unpleasant situation) that must be resolved by a third party (a boss, a court).

Therefore, a person must, above all else, be adequate and rational.

The Gender and Cultural Tax. Assertiveness is perceived differently by society depending on who is practicing it.

When a man firmly says "no," he is often called a "decisive leader." When a woman does the same, she is frequently labeled as "hysterical" or "difficult."

In some cultures (for example, Eastern cultures), direct assertiveness is considered a gross violation of etiquette. There, one must be able to be assertive through complex, polite forms rather than being blunt.

Quiet Assertiveness. Assertiveness is sometimes just an action, not words. A person doesn't necessarily have to deliver a manifesto to refuse someone. They can simply choose not to pick up the phone after work hours or hang up if someone starts screaming at them, saying only: "I will continue this conversation once the tone becomes calm." Physically cutting off contact is also an assertive act.

The Delay Effect. When a person begins to behave assertively, people don’t change instantly. At first, they will increase the pressure to force the person back into their former, "convenient" state.

This is called a "stress test." And only if the person withstands the first 3–5 attacks will they finally be taken seriously.

Thus, assertiveness is not about being unique, nor is it a way to manipulate people; it is, first and foremost, a method for preserving one's nerves and energy.

Misuse

The misuse of assertiveness is a very subtle issue. In psychology, it is often referred to as "assertive aggression" or "hyper-assertiveness." This is a situation where a defensive tool turns into an offensive weapon.

Turning into a "Manipulator Robot." If a person uses assertiveness techniques (such as the "broken record") mechanically, without considering the other person's feelings, it looks like mockery.

Example: A loved one is crying and asking for help, and the person coldly repeats: "I have the right not to take on your problems." This is not assertiveness; it is emotional deafness. Formally, the person is right, but in reality, they are destroying the intimacy.

Assertiveness as an Excuse for Selfishness. Some people use the "Bill of Rights" as a shield to completely disregard others.

Example: "I have the right not to explain myself, so I just won't show up to an important meeting and won't answer the phone." Assertiveness implies responsibility for the consequences. If a person lets the team down, their "assertiveness" is simply irresponsibility.

The Breakdown of the "Give and Take" Balance. Healthy relationships are built on mutual concessions. If a person uses assertiveness to never compromise, they turn into a tyrant. People will start to avoid them. They become too "difficult" and "suffocating" to be around. In the end, they will be left with their impeccable boundaries, but in total loneliness.

How do you distinguish assertiveness from misuse? Below is a table based on my observations.

People who misuse assertiveness quickly begin to look strange. This is because manipulation and assertiveness are inherently incompatible.

Additional links

• Gray Rock Method Not Working? Here’s Why It Fails and How I Fix It